


Drowning In My Loneliness (How Long Must I Hold My Breath)

by EternallyEC



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abby Being an Asshole, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other, Polyamory, Princess Clarke, polyamory v, royal au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 01:02:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14726999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallyEC/pseuds/EternallyEC
Summary: Clarke never dreamed that when her father died, her life would go from fairytale to horror any more than she could have predicted how wildly her mother would turn against her. She certainly couldn't have imagined she would fall in love with a servant only to be forced into a marriage with a woman who holds an irresistible draw for her...aka a royal AU where Clarke is a princess torn between the man she's loved for three years and her new wifeNOTE: Also, I heavily ship both Bellarke and Clexa so if you hate either of these ships... well, this isn't the fic for you because both relationships will be displayed with the respect and love I feel they deserve. And upon further thinking, I've decided to add that both Bellarke and Clexa are endgame. I've always felt like Clarke would easily be polyamorous with her big heart and both Bellamy and Lexa, though not liking each other much, wouldn't want her to give up any part of her happiness.





	Drowning In My Loneliness (How Long Must I Hold My Breath)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AudreyxxHorne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AudreyxxHorne/gifts).



> Dedicated to my best friend who hasn't watched The 100 in years but still lets me fangirl all over her whenever I want. True friendship! 
> 
> WARNINGS: There is mention of abuse in this story. It's implied and the worst of it is the beginning of this chapter but there could/probably will be more later. I'll try to add warnings accordingly.
> 
> 5/22/18: Wow, wasn't expecting the reaction I got. I wanted to write something I've always wanted to see, a seeming love triangle flipped on its' head halfway through, but it appears to escape abuse I'm just going to have to be upfront. Clarke is going to end up in a polyamorous V with both Bellamy and Lexa. I've always seen it as being a potential in canon as both Lexa and Bellamy are willing to do anything to make Clarke happy and Clarke has such a huge heart that I can easily see her as polyamorous. Comment moderation is on so if you're going to do anything but comment on the story itself, it won't be approved. Thank you for reading!

Clarke was having a bad night. 

Despite hours of tossing and turning on the finest sheets, she simply couldn’t fall asleep, the dreariness of the day seeming to cling to her skin the way the smell of smoke seemed to cling to fabric. Although she’d certainly fought with her mother before, the day’s fight had been one of the worst; the light bruising on her cheek was testament to that. Abby had never hit her before, keeping her blows verbal and now for the first time, Clarke felt a true terror of what her future might hold. 

Sighing, she threw the blankets back and climbed out of bed. Wrapping her robe around her, she put on her slippers and quietly slipped from the room. She didn’t bother with a candle, hoping the shadows would be enough to conceal the mark on her face although she knew no one would dare mention it anyway. 

Quietly making her way towards the garden, hoping to be able to breathe again in the cool night air, the last thing Clarke expected was to collide with a young child she had never seen before. The brunette girl couldn’t have been more than eleven years old, twelve at most, and Clarke studied her features carefully in denial as she kept a firm grip on her shoulders. The girl’s dark eyes darted around frantically and Clarke recognized the terror in them even as she realized the gravity of the situation. 

“Are you one of the hidden?” she asked, her voice as quiet as she could make it as she gazed into her eyes and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. “You can trust me, I promise.” 

“You’re the princess,” the girl breathed, her voice shaking as she shook her head wildly. “Please, just let me go.” 

“Yes, I am but I give you my word that nothing will happen to you if you tell me the truth. What is your name?” 

“Octavia,” she breathed, looking more scared than ever until her eyes locked on something behind Clarke and suddenly her face went blank but for the hope in her eyes. 

Clarke whirled around, keeping the girl hidden behind her as she eyed the servant boy she did know and who bore a striking resemblance to the child she was instinctively trying to protect. “What is this?” she asked, raising her chin defiantly even as her voice shook. 

“Let her go, Princess,” he sneered and his name suddenly clicked into her mind—Bellamy. His mother had been at the castle for years when she’d suddenly taken ill and died and he had been forced to abandon his studies to step into her place or be put out on the street. She remembered the kind woman well; Aurora had been her lady’s maid for a time and had helped Clarke understand things her sheltered life didn’t allow for. 

Slowly putting her hands up in the air, she raised an eyebrow as the girl didn’t move. “She’s safe, Bellamy,” she told him. “But she won’t be if you don’t lower your voice.” 

“Octavia,” he said, his tone sharp and the girl immediately hurried over to him. He gentled, taking her hand and giving her a once over before his gaze hardened once more, landing on Clarke. “If you say one word about this to anyone--”

She shook her head. “I won’t,” she promised with all the conviction she could muster in her voice. “She’s safe, I won’t breathe a word.” 

He slowly nodded, disbelief and anxiety written all over his face but he didn’t say another word before hurrying away, leaving Clarke still feeling wide awake but with a new sense of purpose. 

~ 

From that night on, Clarke often wandered the halls late at night. She and Bellamy had a fair few more nasty encounters but eventually, he seemed to take her at her word and stopped trailing Octavia or scolding her when she spoke to Clarke. It seemed that winning the young girl’s trust went a long way to Bellamy’s and soon he joined their nightly conversations where she learned that he had named Octavia out of a lifelong love of Roman history. 

Soon enough, Octavia grew bored of their adult talks-- _”You were so much more fun to talk to before Bell started butting in,” she’d pouted once_ , and she left them alone. Night after night, Clarke felt herself growing closer to the dark haired boy and the night that he showed her the secret room where Octavia spent the majority of her life, she knew that she’d fallen deeply, irrevocably in love with him. It was there that she first touched him, gently taking his hand and squeezing it as she gave him a teary smile and thanked him for trusting her. 

And it was there that she told him the truth about her mother. “She never cared about me,” she told him quietly, sitting beside him on the pallet where he slept. “My father was the one who took care of him, raised me and taught me what I needed to know. She always said she never wanted children, I was an obligation to her. When he died...” she swallowed. “Everything changed. I was too young then to understand what the order about the children meant, then. I don’t think I truly understand until I met your mother. She was like the mother I’d never had and she taught me to think about things from beyond my position. In hindsight, I suppose she wanted to have hope that things could change someday,” she smiled softly. “But I like to think she truly cared for me.” 

“She did, Cla—Princess,” Bellamy told her softly, putting an arm around her. She lay her head on his shoulder and snuggled into it, deciding not to comment on the misstep. “She would tell us that one day things would be different with you in charge because you were so different from Abby.” 

She smiled softly as she closed her eyes. 

~ 

“No! I won’t go!” Clarke’s eyes were filled with fire as she glared at her mother from across the room, skillfully dodging the items Abby was throwing at her. 

“This is a good match, Clarke,” Abby sneered. “And don’t you want to help end the ban on second children? The income from Trikru would be more than enough to help us recover from the famine at last. And don’t think I don’t know you have someone in this castle—I’ve turned a blind eye so far since you haven’t been foolish enough to get yourself pregnant or caught but I swear to you, I will find out who he is and see him executed if you don’t go,” she threatened, smirking as all the fight drained out of Clarke. 

“We leave first thing in the morning. Pack your bags.” She strode from the room without a care for the emotional turmoil she’d left her only child to suffer. 

~ 

The next day, Clarke felt ill as she departed the castle for the last time. She had left a letter in her and Bellamy’s usual hiding place for correspondence, but she had been too shaken from her mother’s words to even think about trying to say goodbye in person. Thankfully, Abby was content to allow her to ride alone in her carriage and she stared numbly out of the covering as the familiar countryside turned to unfamiliar terrain, every moment reminding her of the loss of not only her lover and the child turned teenager she considered a sister but of her very home. 

Though it had only been three years since she and Bellamy had met, she felt as though they’d spent a lifetime together—and yet, it still wasn’t enough. She didn’t think any amount of time would be enough and her very soul ached to realize she would never see him again. Her only hope was that he and Octavia would remain safe. 

~

Upon arriving, Clarke quickly scrubbed her face and made herself presentable for her audience with her newly betrothed. Sullen, she forced a smile when her mother looked and when she was led into the throne room. Standing with her hands demurely folded in front of her and looking at the ground, she waited to be addressed. 

“Princess Clarke.” The voice was calm and poised, no real emotion to be detected. “You may look up and speak,” she continued, and Clarke swallowed as she rose her eyes to take in the sight of the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. Beautiful, and imposing. She sat on the throne as though she owned it, her posture perfectly regal as she regarded Clarke curiously. 

“Leave us,” she suddenly commanded, and Clarke felt a sense of relief flood her as she watched everyone leave the room, including Abby. Once the doors had closed, Lexa stood and strode confidently over to her. Tucking her hands behind her back, she studied Clarke. “You don’t wish to be here, do you Clarke? You may speak freely.” 

Clarke slowly shook her head, still warily watching her. 

“Would it put your mind at ease if I told you that this can easily be a mere marriage of convenience? As long as you are discreet, you could take other lovers. It’s a tradition and no one would think less of you.” 

“No,” Clarke murmured, though she did find that idea oddly comforting. “The only person I want is back home.” 

Lexa pursed her lips and slowly nodded. “I see,” she said slowly, drawing the words out as she thought. “And if I gave you permission to bring them here with you?” 

Clarke’s eyes brightened despite herself and she swallowed hard. “It would help me feel more comfortable,” she agreed softly. “But as ungrateful as this may sound, he has a sister. They’re all each other has in the world and he would never come without her nor could I ask him to. If this was ever to be offered, I would be most grateful to have the invitation extended to both of them.”

“Allow me to be clear, Clarke. I am a possessive woman but should we wed, I would not stand in the way of your happiness, even if it is not found with me. But I would expect the utmost respect from you and them and for you to not throw it in my face. And you would be required to play the part of my loving wife whenever we have visitors. My people won’t care about such a show as long as you aren’t blatantly disrespecting me so it would only be then. Does this sound like a fair trade?” Her eyes were steely but compassionate as they met Clarke’s and she quickly nodded. 

“That sounds more than fair,” she replied honestly, bowing her head. “It would make everything about this much easier.”

“Then it will be done,” Lexa nodded decisively. “The wedding will be in five days. I’ll send my most trusted adviser to you to arrange to bring them here before then. I shall hazard a guess and say they would not be safe from your mother’s wrath if this wasn’t done secretively enough?” 

“No, they wouldn’t,” Clarke agreed, swallowing hard. 

Lexa nodded again. “I must attend to business now but I will see you at dinner,” she said coolly, her expression unreadable again as she turned and strode from the room as confidently as she had come.

**Author's Note:**

> So, here we go! It's been a very long time since I attempted a series but I'm going to try as hard as I can to update at least biweekly at the most. Feel free to leave reviews to spur me along. ;) 
> 
> Also, I heavily ship both Bellarke and Clexa so if you hate either of these ships... well, this isn't the fic for you because both relationships will be displayed with the respect and love I feel they deserve.


End file.
